Today was the last day of school for my 1st grader Sophia, and the kids have requested that we go to the pool to celebrate.
Currently, I am at least 15 lbs heavier than I want to be. Really, I would like to be about 30 lbs lighter, but who’s countin?. 🙂 Since I’ve just been trying to stay sane I haven’t been focusing as much on losing the weight like I was last spring (when I lost 27 lbs! woo!woo!,) but I’m excited to start working on that again.
Still, today, I am not going to be losing 15 lbs. LOL
Weight is another big issue for me, or size, because most of my life it wasn’t. I was active, healthy, slim and loved it. it wasn’t difficult. Then I had 3 kids during which I was sick CONSTANTLY. The only way I wasn’t puking was if I had something in my stomach, so I was nibbling on something CONSTANTLY. Usually breads and crackers. I know, really nutritious. 🙂
Now my youngest is almost 2, and it’s been hard to curb the eating habits I developed while pregnant, which only worsened with stress, late-night eating while editing photos for my home business (Forget-Me-Not Fotography Like us on Facebook!) and giving in to my husband’s poor, mid-west eating habits of cheese, meat and more cheese. He even (I DO LOVE HIM!) makes his trademark “Fried Cheese.” 🙂 I know I can lose the weight with Weight Watchers (a program I’ve used before) but I really just want to get to that happy physical place by exercising and eating right and just being accountable to me.
Anyway, along the way I have really not liked being in pictures or swimsuits. You never realize how big you are until you see yourself in a swimsuit or a picture. It’s like physical evidence of all the binging and poor choices you’ve made staring back at you. And those hips don’t lie! I don’t think there is an ideal size or that everyone should look the same. I DON’T. I just know I can be taking better care of myself.
That all being said, it’s important for me to be in pictures with my kids. I treasure the pictures I have with my own family so much. So my current mental mantra for finally being a little more comfortable in pictures is “I’ll be bigger later.” Let me explain. 🙂
Since I’m always “planning” on getting in better shape, I’ve often thought to myself, “I’ll be skinnier later so I’ll just be in pictures then…” Has anyone else ever thought that? Please tell me I’m not the only one. Well, then one day I was looking at pictures of my mom and me when I was a munchkin and she looked great!
Not that she doesn’t now, she’s beautiful! But we do tend to age with age…so it was special to see her younger and looking so alive with us kids. Even though she, at that point in time, didn’t like her hair or was a little self-conscious of her smile, she was smiling anyway. Making a slideshow of her and us for Mother’s Day was so rewarding and only possible because she smiled for the camera (even though she ALSO DID NOT WANT TO BE in the pictures.) If you would like to see that slideshow it’s here (Warning: If you are a mother you might need to have some kleenex ready…)
So I figure, however I look now, whenever in the future I am seeing that picture I WILL LOVE IT! Compared to future-Eva, I will be younger in today’s pictures. Today’s Eva has all her teeth! My skin will be smoother now than how it is later. I’m sure the “cottage cheese” I’ve got now will be nothing compared to later. 🙂 And even if I’m 15 lbs or 30 lbs bigger than I want to be right now, I’m sure someday “I’ll be bigger later.” And that’s not a bad thing. There is a season and time for all things, but not for being so self-conscious we don’t let ourselves fully live life. 🙂
I no longer always look at myself through today’s-judging-Eva eyes. I look at myself through Grandma or even Great-Grandma-Eva’s eyes. And according to her, I’m a hottie! 🙂 Seriously, the old Eva would NOT have wanted a picture with her daughter on the last day of school and I’m SO glad I have that to treasure.
So I’m off to get all ready for the pool. And I am going to enjoy every moment of it, white legs, farmer’s tan and all! LOL Luv, Eva