Two weeks ago I had my son take a “Before Picture.” After several attempts, I just cried. It wasn’t the camera or the angle, I was just overweight! I even look sad in it, even though I’m trying to smile. I didn’t even think to edit it because I wasn’t excited about it (which is saying a LOT because I usually love pictures.)
I don’t like using the word “fat” because, I guess I’m afraid to say it. I also feel like it’s more of a judging, mean word by society’s general use of it. “Overweight” can be determined by the numbers no matter how “fine” I look at times or feel. But I am now overweight and fat, so it was discouraging and too embarrassing to even post the picture.
But I realize now I was being hard on myself, because EVERYONE has a before picture they can feel proud of (whether from this life or before,) because the Before isn’t just about how we looked but how we felt. You aren’t born with a negative self-image, or low self-esteem. So there is a “before” for everyone where we felt happy and confident.
I have “Before” pics from before having my 3rd son Samuel I realize now I looked great in (I was still only 142 pounds-30 pounds lighter- when I was 3 months pregnant with him.) This means this weight came on from general snacking to avoid puking, from late night snacking to keep me up while feeding him, and lack of exercise during lack of sleep, proper nourishment, etc. Well, last night I slept the entire night through for the 3rd time in over a year and a half!! WOW!! I literally feel like a new person… Not being able to sleep through the night can do terrible things to a person’s body, but hopefully I’m at a point where that will not be the case anymore.
I have “before pictures” after my other children’s births I look beautiful in, and family pictures, wedding pictures…
It’s a HUGE deal that I can say this because at the time these pictures were taken I may not have been “overweight” by the numbers, but I called myself fat. I saw myself as fat in the mirror. I didn’t even wear the real wedding dress I wanted to because I thought I was too fat to look good in a figure-forming gown. THAT is what I have to think about every time I look at a wedding picture of myself, and it’s wrong. I could of worn any dress I wanted to.
Now I am finally realizing how distorted my view had become. Not only had I thought I was “too fat” then, but three months ago I thought I “was alright” with how I look now, and I was 10 pounds heavier then!
Even though it still makes me cry because I can’t believe this is how I look (I just don’t feel that big!) I am posting this picture because I need to recognize it and accept it if I’m going to change it. But I am also posting my “real” Before Pictures. These are pictures showing me happy, healthy, showing some of the reasons I put on this weight and that it was WORTH IT!!! I love my kids and would go through all this again for them in a heartbeat.
But now it’s time for the weight to go, along with the late night snacks and convenience foods, and along with the distorted self-image that made me want to give up and give in to more food than I knew I really needed. No more, “I’m already this big, I might as well have more…” I am a beautiful wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, disciple and it’s important I stay a beautiful wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, disciple in mood and spirit as part of this process because that matters more than what the scale tells me. Some weeks I will not lose anything, and some weeks I might even gain a couple pounds, but little by little I will become healthy again because my family and I are worth it and we can do it together. After all, we got here together! LOL
Here are my REAL Before Pictures that are going up on the wall to remind me who I am, and to treat myself like the woman I am worth:
Thanks for reading! Check back later for my weigh-in (to help keep me on track!) -Eva